mourning the loss of food

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
~ Anatole France

I’ve known for a long time that I was addicted to food. I ate when I was happy, sad, bored, etc. What I didn’t realize was just how strong “head hunger” can be. We are deluged with images and suggestions of food – it’s everywhere! TV commercials, advertisements and the endless string of fast food chains. I knew to expect head hunger after my surgery and I’ve really been struggling with it the last few days. I’m still recuperating, so I’m watching a lot of TV and movies. Have you ever noticed how big a role food plays in entertainment? Holy cow. I can’t get away from images of pizza, hot dogs, Chinese take out and Starbucks! I did not count on it being this hard. I’m not hungry – I’m eating cream soups, protein shakes and sugar free jello – and it fills  me up. And if I tried to eat something like pizza or a hot dog, I would get violently ill and potentially damage my new stomach “sleeve,” so trust me, that is not happening. Still, head hunger keeps creeping up on me! I miss the shear habit of eating too. I miss sitting down and eating something as simple as a sandwich. Oh my God, a sandwich!

Luckily, in a few days, I progress to pureed foods like mashed potatoes, yogurt and applesauce. Hooray! Then next week, I can start eating soft foods like cottage cheese, scrambled eggs and canned veggies. Eventually I’ll add back in meats and fresh veggies and fruits and be able to eat about what is served on a child’s plate in restaurants. I will survive this…I can do this. And eventually that head hunger will dissipate. I feel like I’m mourning the act of being able to eat. That probably sounds silly to some of you, but that’s what this journey is about for me – leaving my old life behind and starting a new, healthier one. So I need to be patient with myself as I start this new life. I’m leaving the old behind, but just look at what I’m gaining! (err, losing!) ;)