"The Look"

I've fallen down on my blog writing duties since I went back to work a couple weeks ago. Sorry for that. It's going well. I've now lost 25 pounds since my surgery three and a half weeks ago. I'm getting used to a completely different life and it's getting easier. There have been a few difficult moments, but I'm doing good. Lunchtime at work is hard because I was so used to going out to eat, meeting someone for lunch. Forget the food, I'm really missing the social aspect of lunch! It helped to get out of the office for an hour.

Another thing I'm getting used to is what I call, "the look." When I see people I haven't seen since surgery and they ask how I'm doing, I tell them well and that I've lost 25 pounds. Most people don't skip a beat, they just smile and exclaim, "That's awesome!" (or something like that) Then there are the people who cock their heads and give me "the look." I can tell they're thinking, "But she's still fat." And that's ok. I am still fat. This surgery was not a magic trick that will suddenly make me a supermodel. There's work -- and time -- involved. I didn't get fat overnight, despite my arguments to the contrary. So it will take me awhile to slim down. And I honestly cannot picture myself "slim" -- ever. But, I can picture myself healthier. And that's what this is about. Twenty five pounds makes a huge difference. Whether other people can see it yet or not doesn't matter. My clothes fit better, I have more energy, I swear I'm sleeping better and I kid you not...I haven't had ANY carpal tunnel pain, even after I went back to work. So I don't mind "the look," because I also had several people tell me this week that it is starting to show...and that made it all worth it. :)

Boo

I've been amazed at how well I've been doing since surgery, considering it was my first major surgery ever. I should have known that wouldn't last. About 6am this morning, I was awakened by a dull, deep pain under my right rib cage. At first I thought I just slept funny, so I got up and walked around, stretched, then tried to lay back down. Then the pain moved all the way around me to the back side and settled under my right shoulder blade. Now it was an intense, sharp pain. Worst pain I've ever felt. I called the Medical Exchange number and took Gas X, hoping it was just severe gas. Nope. Waited and waited for them to call me back. Finally, a little before 9am I called the doctor's office. My doc is on vacation, so I left a message with the medical assistant. About the time they finally called back, I had just run to the bathroom to vomit. This is the first time in three weeks since surgery that I've gotten sick like that, which is almost unheard of. So I guess I'm lucky. Finally, an on-call doctor called back, listened to my symptoms and told me she thinks it's my gall bladder. I'm not happy about this, because I specifically asked them if it needed to be removed at the same time they did the other surgery. They did an ultrasound and then said that I didn't need to do it. Argh. I find it hard to believe that it changed in just three weeks! So they want me to get another ultrasound...and I'm guessing this will require another surgery. Boo.

It may have been throwing up or laying on the heating pad that did it, but I'd like to think it was something bigger at play. I am a big baby when I don't feel well and the only thing I could think of was, "I want my mommy and daddy!" So I cried out loud to both my mom and my dad and told them I needed help. (This was after praying several times too). I swear to you, about 10 minutes later, the pain finally started subsiding. My angels helped me. I'm convinced. Thanks mom and dad!

Monkey on my back

This week held two big benchmarks along my journey - returning to work full time and progressing to eating "soft foods." My first day back to work went fine, I felt great all day. Then on Tuesday, I had really, really low energy. I hung in there all day, but took a 3 hour nap when I got home. I felt like I wasn't getting enough protein or water. Wednesday I progressed to soft foods, so I had 1/2 a scrambled egg for breakfast, 4 ounces of tuna & cottage cheese for lunch and a very small piece of grilled tilapia & canned mixed veggies for dinner. I never felt better. Best food ever! I also made a better effort to slowly sip water all day long. Thursday I had really low energy again and ended up coming home about 3pm. This process involves completely relearning how to eat. Not only do I eat much smaller portions than before, but I have to chew each bite 30 times and cannot drink with meals. It's a challenge. I have three social events coming up this weekend with food involved and I think that will be hard for me. Today I wasn't feeling good and all I wanted to be able to do was eat a normal meal. My old normal. I was craving sour cream chicken enchiladas. I'm going to try and find a healthy, maybe pureed version without a tortilla to satisfy that craving. But I still miss the old version which also included tons of good ol' chips and salsa and maybe rice and beans too. That mental hunger is still a monkey on my back, but I'm working on it, day by day.

WARNING - graphic of gastric sleeve surgery ahead!

Many people have asked about the actual procedure, so I wanted to post an illustration of it. My apologies if this is TMI, feel free to click to the next post if you like. :) They actually removed 80 percent of my stomach. Crazy, right?

Ah, the joys of pureed foods...

I've had lots of people ask me what I can eat now, so I thought I'd share it here. I usually start with a 4-6 oz. protein shake in the morning. Right now I'm in the pureed food stage, so today for lunch I had pureed black beans, fat free sour cream and salsa. Again, about 4-6 oz. For dinner, I got a little more creative. I quickly did a sort of noodless lasagna bake, layering sliced zuchini, mushrooms, fat free ricotta cheese, fat free parmesan, fat free mozarella and low sugar veggie marinara sauce, baked it for 10 minutes to soften, then pureed it. OMG, yum. I took about five bites and was full. Argh! It tasted so delicious, I wanted to keep eating. But my sleeve wouldn't let me. Sigh.

I'm stalling at 25 total pounds lost, including pre- and post-surgery. This is where I always get stuck when on diets, at 25 pounds. It's like my body freaks out and starts storing fat for the winter or something. I started to worry that I'm a freak of nature and maybe this surgery has already stopped working. Jill assures me that this sometimes happens. You will stall, then lose a bunch of weight all of a sudden. I'll keep you posted. Please pray I'm not a freak.

22 Minutes

First I want to say that today, August 13, would have been my dad's 65th birthday. I miss him every day and of course he's been on my mind a lot lately. Today wasn't a sad day, though. Me, Jeff, Carla & Jill met at his grave to pay our respects. Jill and I got there a tad earlier, so we decided to walk around the cemetery. I needed to walk anyway. They ask you to walk several times a day post-surgery and at about the 6 week mark I'll be cleared for more strenuous workouts. Who am I kidding? I may be down 16 pounds, but walking is still difficult for me! We'll see about strenuous workouts.

About 7pm tonight, I remembered that I needed to get more walking in, so I went to the gym at my apartments. Turns out Saturday night is a good time to go, it was completely empty! I put my iPod on shuffle and listened to the most interesting mix of music: The Killers, Imogen Heap, Alanis Morrissette, The Beatles...and that was about the point I wanted to stop. I was almost at 15 minutes, the longest I'd walked at once since surgery. But then John Denver's Rocky Mountain High came on. You cannot stop the iPod when RMH comes on (it's the law), so I kept walking. I smiled because John Denver was my dad's favorite...I felt like daddy sent me a song to help me keep going. After that, even though I was over 15 minutes at this point, Frankie Valli's Oh What A Night played. Mom loved the musical Jersey Boys and Valli's music. So you guessed it, I kept walking, because this was clearly sent to me from momma! I stopped my iPod and the treadmill when I hit 22 minutes and that song was over! Just for grins, I did check to see what the next song would have been. Duran Duran's Union of the Snake...ha!

Sweet 16

I am now down 16 pounds since my surgery nine days ago. I am in complete shock. Recovery is going well...I'm off the pain meds completely and slowly relearning how to eat with a sleeve. It's a journey, that's for sure. OMG. Sixteen pounds. Unbelievable.

Lasagna!

Yesterday Jill helped me clean out my cupboard and get rid of any foods I can't eat and then when went shopping for some yummy pureed food/baby food I can now eat. I was craving lasagna and one of us said, "I doubt there's a baby food lasagna." I initially picked up a Smart Ones lasagna that I'm gonna blend up and maybe add some tomato sauce to. But then, miraculously, we found lasagna in the baby food aisle! We also found Turkey Tettrazini, Macaroni and Cheese and Chicken & Rice. I actually said out loud in the baby food aisle, "Mmmmmmmmmm!" We had to laugh at that. And for the record, the baby food lasagna wasn't half bad...kinda tasted like Spaghettios!

Part Two

Part 1 of my weight loss journey was the surgery. Part 2, and maybe the most important part, is the lifestyle change. The surgery alone will not make me successful. You have to be ready to make these changes. It took me many years to finally be honest with myself and realize that it was time for a change. Maybe it was losing both parents to cancer at the age of 60 within 4 years. Maybe it was the fact that I turn 40 next year. Maybe it was seeing how successful my sister and some other dear friends have been with their surgeries. Whatever it was, I'm thankful I finally took the plunge!

One of the most important parts of this journey is the emotional aspect. I'm reading a great book that was recommended to me by my surgeon's office. It's called The Emotional First Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery. It looks like it's going to be really helpful. Highly recommend it for anyone considering weight loss surgery or for anyone who wants to understand it better. I just read a section about self-talk. If you've known me for any length of time, you probably know that while I try to be positive outwardly, I have the worst negative self-talk! I would NEVER talk to another person the way I talk to myself. I don't know why I do this, but I've worked on changing that for a long time. I love that there are some recent songs out right now that emphasize being good to yourself. Pink's "Perfect" is my new anthem. One of the things the book said to do is to think of your mind as a radio. You can choose to tune into the negative self talk station or tune into the positive self-talk station. My natural instincts are to be pessimistic, so it's a daily struggle for me to tune into the positive station. But keeping my dial tuned in there will only help me be successful on this journey! So if you see/hear me being negative, remind me to retune my dial! :)

mourning the loss of food

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
~ Anatole France

I’ve known for a long time that I was addicted to food. I ate when I was happy, sad, bored, etc. What I didn’t realize was just how strong “head hunger” can be. We are deluged with images and suggestions of food – it’s everywhere! TV commercials, advertisements and the endless string of fast food chains. I knew to expect head hunger after my surgery and I’ve really been struggling with it the last few days. I’m still recuperating, so I’m watching a lot of TV and movies. Have you ever noticed how big a role food plays in entertainment? Holy cow. I can’t get away from images of pizza, hot dogs, Chinese take out and Starbucks! I did not count on it being this hard. I’m not hungry – I’m eating cream soups, protein shakes and sugar free jello – and it fills  me up. And if I tried to eat something like pizza or a hot dog, I would get violently ill and potentially damage my new stomach “sleeve,” so trust me, that is not happening. Still, head hunger keeps creeping up on me! I miss the shear habit of eating too. I miss sitting down and eating something as simple as a sandwich. Oh my God, a sandwich!

Luckily, in a few days, I progress to pureed foods like mashed potatoes, yogurt and applesauce. Hooray! Then next week, I can start eating soft foods like cottage cheese, scrambled eggs and canned veggies. Eventually I’ll add back in meats and fresh veggies and fruits and be able to eat about what is served on a child’s plate in restaurants. I will survive this…I can do this. And eventually that head hunger will dissipate. I feel like I’m mourning the act of being able to eat. That probably sounds silly to some of you, but that’s what this journey is about for me – leaving my old life behind and starting a new, healthier one. So I need to be patient with myself as I start this new life. I’m leaving the old behind, but just look at what I’m gaining! (err, losing!) ;)

TEN!!!

Oh my God! When I weighed earlier today, I had to do a double take. I have lost 10 pounds already! Holy cow. I can hardly believe it. That, combined with my pre-op diet weight loss of 9 means I'm already almost down 20 pounds. Today was the first day that I felt well enough to celebrate the results! I've now set a goal to lose a certain amount by Oct. 16, the weekend before a good friend's wedding. If I can reach that goal, I might just have to buy a new dress for the wedding!

I also took my first adventure outside the house. Jill and I went to the pharmacy and to my apartment to check on my kitties. It was good to see them! Miss those little boogers. Big thank yous to my brother Jeff and Aunt Becky for taking care of them while I've been recuperating! That little trip wore me out, though. Amazed at how much surgery kicks your butt.

Stir Crazy

I didn't think it would happen this quickly, but I am going stir crazy! I have a ton of books and magazines to read, things to work online on, lots of movies to watch, but I am tired of being couped up in the house! I know that I will take one step outside in this 1,000 degree heat and change my mind, but I really think I want to venture outside today. Maybe I'll go see my kitties and pat them on their heads. 

Otherwise, I'm doing really well. Keeping liquids down, drinking lots of water, walking several times a day on the treadmill (very slowly, but it's something), and managing the pain. Sometimes I wait too long before taking pain meds again, but it's really just that one incision area that still hurts. It's hard to imagine that in a week I will have to start wearing real clothes again and go back to work. Eek. I may be stir crazy, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. This lifestyle is just so different. Four ounces of fluid is a meal right now. Blows my mind.

Thank you for all the support!

I have the best support system in the world! I have been overwhelmed with emails, texts, calls, cards, flowers, gifts, prayers...seriously, y'all rock! I just wanted to send a giant thank you out to everyone because it is helping me keep plugging along. I've never had major surgery before, but after all this outpouring of love, I'm considering doing it more often. Just kidding. I wouldn't go that far. But seriously, THANK YOU! I love you all, man. And that's not just the pain meds talking. ;)

better

Feeling a little better this morning and down another pound...woo hoo. I got lots of sleep last night and I'm about to go take another nap...I've only been awake for two hours. I like this part of recuperating. :)

cream soup day!

Today I got to add cream soups, milk and V-8 to my diet! Delicious. I'll be on this leg of the plan for 4 days. I was feeling good most of the day, but I took a 4 hour nap in the afternoon. Ever since then, I haven't felt good. Can't pinpoint it, just uncomfortable. I've been walking because they say that helps. I had to call the doctor tonight because one of my incisions looks infected. It's red and bruised and hot to the touch. Ugh. She called in an antibiotic, that should make me feel better. Ok, time for pain meds again. Nighty night.

Pound by pound

So I've lost about five pounds since the surgery. I still have a lot of swelling and inflammation, so hopefully when that goes down, there will be more weight loss. I had lost nine pounds on the low carb, pre-op diet, so that's not bad - 14 pounds in three weeks. It's not magic, but this is definitely a tool that will help me greatly. I do wish the pain was subsiding a little more quickly, but I guess I just need to take it pound by pound and day by day.

Made it through surgery

Nervous. That was my overwhelming feeling as we arrived at the hospital. They really should give you sedatives before you arrive, just sayin. So they handed me a paper “warming” robe and I looked at Jill and said, “They didn’t research fat people, did they?” Later, I found out that you could hook up an air tube to the robe that air-conditioned it. Oh yeah, Jenn was happy then. There was a flurry of activity and before I knew it, a really funny guy was wheeling me back to anesthesia. I remember moving over onto their table and commenting on the funny blue lights, then they started to cover my mouth with the oxygen mask. I panicked and grabbed one of the guy’s hands. He held it until I fell asleep. The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery. It was a really busy place and I remember them changing my robe and I remember being freaked out that I was being changed in front of all those people! But I was completely out of it, so I couldn’t do a thing about it.  Apparently my surgery only took an hour and a half, but I was in recovery for like three hours. They never told me why…apparently the surgery went well.

I was really out of it, but I remember that Jill was in my room waiting for me and that Jeff, Carla & Aunt Becky visited and brought me gifts. Tons of other friends and family texted and called to check on me…thank you! I have the best support system in the world.

Wednesday morning I was a little more lucid and had gone without any water since midnight before surgery! I was more than ready when they came to get me to do an X-ray to be sure that the sleeve the surgeon created after removing 80 percent of my stomach wasn’t leaking. So the first thing I drank after surgery was barium stuff so that they could see potential leaks. Bleh. Then the news came back that I was cleared for liquids! So my first “meal” was an ounce of water, an ounce of broth and an ounce of sugar free jello.

I’ll blog more later…need to rest!

No water for you!

Well, it's just after midnight, the night before my surgery. I was on sugar-free, clear liquids only today. Not easy. And now, I cannot even have water until after my surgery. Apparently way after my surgery...they have to test to be sure the new "sleeve" they create isn't leaking, so it will be well into the next day before I get to drink. I like water, particularly when it's 107 degrees outside. A friend of mine recommended just getting as many pain meds as I can get and sleeping so I won't think about it. Sleeping...not sure that's something I'll be doing much of tonight. I called my brother earlier for a pep talk and he said, "You'll be alright, home skillet." Ahhh...now I feel much better. :)