I have curves...and a food addiction

I have lost 100 pounds and gone from a size 24 to a size 14 (I even squeezed into a 12 recently!), but I will always think of myself as the fat girl. And there are people who look at me, even now, after all this work, and think of me as the fat girl. I can tell when people think it. I hate that I still care, but I do.

I think what bothers me about it is that these people automatically think that overweight people are lazy and have never tried to get healthy. Yes, there are some people out there like that. But for most of us, there are underlying conditions. Some people have legitimate and often hereditary medical conditions that cause weight gain. Some people, like myself, have food addictions. I am a food addict and always will be. It’s just like being an alcoholic or being addicted to drugs. Food is my drug of choice. I know people who will skip eating so that they can drink alcohol. I never understood this. And they never understood that I’d rather go out to eat than out drinking. A friend posted something on facebook recently about someone she saw in store who was overweight and had an overweight child. I agree that childhood obesity is a horrible epidemic, but I don’t think you should make broad assumptions about people you see in public. You don’t know what their struggles are, you know?

Someone asked me recently (and was sincerely and honestly curious), “How does someone let it get that bad?” Meaning how could someone ever let their weight get so out of control that they become morbidly obese? I tried to explain it to her, but I could tell she didn’t understand. For me, some of it was hereditary, but most of it was being a food addict. And once it got bad, it was a vicious cycle that I couldn’t get out of. Similar to an alcoholic or drug addict who goes on a binge. The binges cause health problems that make you feel like crap or cause injuries and then you can’t get back on the right track. Just when I would lose 20-25 lbs or so, I would hurt myself or get a really bad flu or something…and I would eat. And then I’d stop working out. And eat some more. I just gave up. I was killing myself. I will always struggle with my food addiction. But I hope that this journey I have gone down will keep me on a healthier path. I know that I will slip. I slip all the time now. But then I try to get back in the saddle.

And maybe someday I will stop thinking of myself as the fat chick. But I will never forget what it’s like being fat. I will not become one of those people who doesn’t understand how someone could be fat or assumes someone is lazy because they are overweight.

Happy "Surgiversary" to me!

Today marks one year since I made the best decision of my life...to undergo weight loss surgery and begin a journey to getting healthier. I have lost 100 pounds to date and hope to lose at least 30 more. I honestly feel like having surgery saved my life. In my mind's eye I see it as a rebirth. So when we came across the medical bracelet I wore as a baby while cleaning out our mom's things after she passed last year, I immediately thought about how I had saved the medical bracelet from my surgery. To me, they both represent new beginnings.

My goal was to lose at least 100 pounds at the year mark and I'm thrilled that I met my goal, but honestly, I was feeling a little concerned that I hadn't lost more weight. I belong to an online bariatric surgery support group and some of those rock stars have lost a lot more than I have! But then I saw this picture of me taken just a couple of weeks before my surgery (left). And I cried. The picture on the right was taken a few days ago in the bathroom at work. Sorry it's not more glamorous...ha. But I'm wearing a dress I NEVER would have dared to wear before and showing off my desperarately-needing-a-tan legs...and you know what? I could care less. I love what I see. And better yet, I love what I feel! I feel healthier than I ever have. I thank God for the opportunity to change/save my life. And I thank all of you for being my support system. (I would also like to thank my Spanx for the support too!) I could not have taken this journey without you. Hugs!

    

I'm ok, you're ok.

It is so bizarre to be ok with seeing pictures of myself now. This photo was taken last night on the Riverwalk in San Antonio with my friend Rhonda, just before the Van Halen concert. I still see flaws in my appearance, but for the most part, I really like this photo! I can't remember the last time I was ok with a FULL BODY photo of myself! Weird.

The difference a year makes...

Holy cow. This is a photo of me (and my friend Betsy) in 2011 at an annual awards gala for an organization I've been involved with for years:

And this is a photo of me (and my co-chair Kim) at the same gala, but in 2012:

And here's another shot of me in the background:

Holy cow. I can't stop saying it! I never like pictures of myself, but I'm ok with these. In fact, I kinda like them! Special thanks to my friend Billy, who took photos at the event.

Right Now!

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. Update: I am down to almost 100 lbs lost. Some days I am 3 lbs away and others 4. Maybe it's because I'm going to see them in concert in a few days, but tonight I did something I haven't done in at least 20 years. Inspired by Van Halen's "Right Now" on my iPod, for 3 minutes I RAN on the treadmill tonight. Yes, me. RAN. Ok, so my running is like most people's slow walking, but still. I RAN! Then, inspired by my gasping for air and feeling like my body might fall into a million pieces, I slowed down and walked the rest of the time. And how was I rewarded for my efforts? The song that came on as I ended my workout was "Overweight" by Blue October. Sheesh. Thanks a lot! ;)

Popped Biscuit Can

So today I decided to try on some of my sister's hand-me-down bras because mine are way too big now. I can still get by with them, but I thought I'd see what the slightly smaller ones were like. I settled on a white plungy, lacy number. I was a little uncomfortable with the plunginess because I don't usually wear that style. But hey, my boobs fit in there just fine...and looked pretty darn good, I thought. And while standing there, not moving or walking, they stayed in the bra. Apparently not so much once you start walking around.

I went to run errands and stopped in at Vitamin Shoppe for some protein powder (good little bariatric surgery patient). At the register, I bent down to also grab an ostrich/beef stick for a snack. And I think that's when it must have happened. Half a boob fell out and ended up where my cleavage should have been. Only I didn't notice until after I flirted with the dude behind the counter. OMG! Then I had to walk through Target and H-E-B, trying to keep my boobs from migrating to the middle and looking like a popped biscuit canister with dough leaking out! I kept looking down and the Longhorn on my shirt looked puffy and misshaped. I tried to readjust without bringing too much attention to myself. One trick was to lean toward the cart and place my hand in between the two boobs and try to shove them back into place. Nothing worked well. Sigh.

Moral of the story: If you can fold your boobs in half because you've now lost 92 pounds, don't wear a plungy bra! And don't be too cheap to go out and buy bras that fit correctly!

What Matters Most

At this point in my weight loss journey, I am so proud of the 90 pounds that I've lost and so thankful for the new energy I have. I cannot tell you how much the weight loss has improved my quality of life. Actually, I dare say it SAVED my life.

That being said, it is still hard to stay on track and to not get discouraged. I want to lose 30 more pounds and I have been stuck for the last few months! I do Zumba 2-3 times a week and a strength training class once a week and still...no more weight loss. But no weight gain, either so that's good. Someone posted this photo today and I need to remember this. Yes, goals are important, but the number on the scale is not what matters most.