I have curves...and a food addiction

I have lost 100 pounds and gone from a size 24 to a size 14 (I even squeezed into a 12 recently!), but I will always think of myself as the fat girl. And there are people who look at me, even now, after all this work, and think of me as the fat girl. I can tell when people think it. I hate that I still care, but I do.

I think what bothers me about it is that these people automatically think that overweight people are lazy and have never tried to get healthy. Yes, there are some people out there like that. But for most of us, there are underlying conditions. Some people have legitimate and often hereditary medical conditions that cause weight gain. Some people, like myself, have food addictions. I am a food addict and always will be. It’s just like being an alcoholic or being addicted to drugs. Food is my drug of choice. I know people who will skip eating so that they can drink alcohol. I never understood this. And they never understood that I’d rather go out to eat than out drinking. A friend posted something on facebook recently about someone she saw in store who was overweight and had an overweight child. I agree that childhood obesity is a horrible epidemic, but I don’t think you should make broad assumptions about people you see in public. You don’t know what their struggles are, you know?

Someone asked me recently (and was sincerely and honestly curious), “How does someone let it get that bad?” Meaning how could someone ever let their weight get so out of control that they become morbidly obese? I tried to explain it to her, but I could tell she didn’t understand. For me, some of it was hereditary, but most of it was being a food addict. And once it got bad, it was a vicious cycle that I couldn’t get out of. Similar to an alcoholic or drug addict who goes on a binge. The binges cause health problems that make you feel like crap or cause injuries and then you can’t get back on the right track. Just when I would lose 20-25 lbs or so, I would hurt myself or get a really bad flu or something…and I would eat. And then I’d stop working out. And eat some more. I just gave up. I was killing myself. I will always struggle with my food addiction. But I hope that this journey I have gone down will keep me on a healthier path. I know that I will slip. I slip all the time now. But then I try to get back in the saddle.

And maybe someday I will stop thinking of myself as the fat chick. But I will never forget what it’s like being fat. I will not become one of those people who doesn’t understand how someone could be fat or assumes someone is lazy because they are overweight.

Happy "Surgiversary" to me!

Today marks one year since I made the best decision of my life...to undergo weight loss surgery and begin a journey to getting healthier. I have lost 100 pounds to date and hope to lose at least 30 more. I honestly feel like having surgery saved my life. In my mind's eye I see it as a rebirth. So when we came across the medical bracelet I wore as a baby while cleaning out our mom's things after she passed last year, I immediately thought about how I had saved the medical bracelet from my surgery. To me, they both represent new beginnings.

My goal was to lose at least 100 pounds at the year mark and I'm thrilled that I met my goal, but honestly, I was feeling a little concerned that I hadn't lost more weight. I belong to an online bariatric surgery support group and some of those rock stars have lost a lot more than I have! But then I saw this picture of me taken just a couple of weeks before my surgery (left). And I cried. The picture on the right was taken a few days ago in the bathroom at work. Sorry it's not more glamorous...ha. But I'm wearing a dress I NEVER would have dared to wear before and showing off my desperarately-needing-a-tan legs...and you know what? I could care less. I love what I see. And better yet, I love what I feel! I feel healthier than I ever have. I thank God for the opportunity to change/save my life. And I thank all of you for being my support system. (I would also like to thank my Spanx for the support too!) I could not have taken this journey without you. Hugs!

    

I'm ok, you're ok.

It is so bizarre to be ok with seeing pictures of myself now. This photo was taken last night on the Riverwalk in San Antonio with my friend Rhonda, just before the Van Halen concert. I still see flaws in my appearance, but for the most part, I really like this photo! I can't remember the last time I was ok with a FULL BODY photo of myself! Weird.

The difference a year makes...

Holy cow. This is a photo of me (and my friend Betsy) in 2011 at an annual awards gala for an organization I've been involved with for years:

And this is a photo of me (and my co-chair Kim) at the same gala, but in 2012:

And here's another shot of me in the background:

Holy cow. I can't stop saying it! I never like pictures of myself, but I'm ok with these. In fact, I kinda like them! Special thanks to my friend Billy, who took photos at the event.

Right Now!

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. Update: I am down to almost 100 lbs lost. Some days I am 3 lbs away and others 4. Maybe it's because I'm going to see them in concert in a few days, but tonight I did something I haven't done in at least 20 years. Inspired by Van Halen's "Right Now" on my iPod, for 3 minutes I RAN on the treadmill tonight. Yes, me. RAN. Ok, so my running is like most people's slow walking, but still. I RAN! Then, inspired by my gasping for air and feeling like my body might fall into a million pieces, I slowed down and walked the rest of the time. And how was I rewarded for my efforts? The song that came on as I ended my workout was "Overweight" by Blue October. Sheesh. Thanks a lot! ;)

Popped Biscuit Can

So today I decided to try on some of my sister's hand-me-down bras because mine are way too big now. I can still get by with them, but I thought I'd see what the slightly smaller ones were like. I settled on a white plungy, lacy number. I was a little uncomfortable with the plunginess because I don't usually wear that style. But hey, my boobs fit in there just fine...and looked pretty darn good, I thought. And while standing there, not moving or walking, they stayed in the bra. Apparently not so much once you start walking around.

I went to run errands and stopped in at Vitamin Shoppe for some protein powder (good little bariatric surgery patient). At the register, I bent down to also grab an ostrich/beef stick for a snack. And I think that's when it must have happened. Half a boob fell out and ended up where my cleavage should have been. Only I didn't notice until after I flirted with the dude behind the counter. OMG! Then I had to walk through Target and H-E-B, trying to keep my boobs from migrating to the middle and looking like a popped biscuit canister with dough leaking out! I kept looking down and the Longhorn on my shirt looked puffy and misshaped. I tried to readjust without bringing too much attention to myself. One trick was to lean toward the cart and place my hand in between the two boobs and try to shove them back into place. Nothing worked well. Sigh.

Moral of the story: If you can fold your boobs in half because you've now lost 92 pounds, don't wear a plungy bra! And don't be too cheap to go out and buy bras that fit correctly!

What Matters Most

At this point in my weight loss journey, I am so proud of the 90 pounds that I've lost and so thankful for the new energy I have. I cannot tell you how much the weight loss has improved my quality of life. Actually, I dare say it SAVED my life.

That being said, it is still hard to stay on track and to not get discouraged. I want to lose 30 more pounds and I have been stuck for the last few months! I do Zumba 2-3 times a week and a strength training class once a week and still...no more weight loss. But no weight gain, either so that's good. Someone posted this photo today and I need to remember this. Yes, goals are important, but the number on the scale is not what matters most.

Onederland

A few weeks ago, I entered a world they call "onederland," as in no longer over 200 lbs! I really have no words to describe how good it feels. Today I bought something in size Medium. It was oversized and I think I bought it precisely because it was a Medium! Ha! 200...never, ever wanna see you again! Also calculated my BMI. It has gone from 51 to 35.3! Holy crap!

Fly Like a Butterfly

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou

Today all the changes that I've gone through on this journey have been on my mind. I am not the same person mentally or physically that I was almost eight months ago.

49.2 grapefruits

Public Relations guru, Peter Shankman (the man who created Help A Reporter Out), has been on his own weight loss journey over the last several months and posted this photo this morning. Wow. As of today, I've lost 49.2 grapefruits! And hopefully I've built up some tangerines. I've been doing Zumba about three times a week and while the scale hasn't moved much in several weeks (I hear this is normal and can sometimes last five weeks or more...ack), my body feels different and I still can't figure out what size to wear. I have more energy and I don't think I've ever stuck to an exercise routine for this long. Yay!

Aloha, Blue Hawaiian Pants!

Well, I held on to them as long as I could. I loved these pants. I called them my Blue Hawaiian pants. I haven't even worn them in several years, but I refused to get rid of them. My sister made fun of me a few years back for still wearing capri pants with prints. Hey, for awhile there, that was the only thing I could find to wear in my size. Sad, but true. So now that I am down to somewhere between a size 16 and 18 pant, it's time to say goodbye to these size 22 Blue Hawaiian capri pants, along with all the other 22s and 20s still lingering around. It's a good problem to have, but I haven't gotten used to my new size yet and it can actually be frustrating. I read an article about Jennifer Hudson, my weight loss hero, who apparently still has trouble "dressing skinny," so apparently it's normal. It's a good feeling to pack up even more clothes...feels kinda like shedding my skin. :)

Four Tires

Happy New Year! Bring it on, 2012! The last year included a lot of heartache, but also a sense of accomplishment with my weight loss and journey toward getting healthier. As of today, I am now down 78 pounds! That's approximately the same as FOUR average passenger car tires...or one teenager. Holy crap. I've lost an entire person, or my car's tires! I hope and pray that this new year brings even more weight loss and I continue to get healthier and happier. Wishing happiness and health to all of you too!

"You look great! Your hair is different!"

So I've discovered that walking through my office takes longer than it used to. I'm actually walking faster these days (a few of my friends have pointed this out to me), but at least twice a day, someone will stop me and mention my weight loss. So I'm learning to "schedule" time for these run-ins. It's very nice...the accolades just keep me plugging along! Every once in awhile, I will run into someone I haven't seen in awhile and if I don't know them very well, I'll get "the look,"  although now they realize something is different. Today I saw a girl I know who works in a different building & department and she said, "You look great! Your hair is different!" While that's true (just got my hair done), I know she was seeing much more - weight loss, sure, but also a new confidence.

On another note, I survived a 90-minute zumba class tonight! Holy crap. I told the instructor the only reason I did it was because I can't do half of the steps! I feel like I stand there with my mouth open, trying desperately to make my body do what it's supposed to do, but I have absolutely no hand/eye coordination and apparently no rhythm. And I swear endorphins have the opposite affect on me - instead of releasing joy, they make me an emotional wreck! There was an older lady in the class tonight, the mom of another participant, and I almost lost it completely because she made me think of my mom. Oh, how we would have loved to do zumba with mom! Now THAT would have been a good laugh. Then after class, I got super stressed out and started crying about something that shouldn't have pushed me over the edge. Then again, I didn't eat before zumba and maybe all I needed was some food in the 20 percent of the stomach I have left! :)

Zumba

Seems like just when I set a goal to be under a certain weight by New Year's Day, my weight loss has completely stalled. Ugh. I've lost 71 pounds total, but haven't lost anything in over a week! And I've even been to three Zumba classes! Not fair! I know stalls are normal, but I'm getting discouraged, so I hope the scale budges this week.

On my way, slowly...

So my weight loss is slowing down and I've decided I need to kick up my workouts a notch or two. I am pleased with the results (68 pounds so far!), don't get me wrong, but I want to lose 20 more pounds by New Year's Day. So it's time to "stop working out like an old lady," as my doctor told me. Don't tell my sister, but I might have to try Zumba now. Eeek! Here's photographic evidence of my weight loss. Notice I still don't like being photographed from the waist down! Ha.

I did a 5K and lived to tell about it!

Me & my sister Jill at the race.

This year, like the last 4 or 5 years, we walked in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. This was the first year walking without mom...that was pretty tough. It was less emotional than I thought, though, because we had so many of our friends and family walking with us. We did 1980s-themed shirts this year, so some of us went all out. My Madonna hairdo looked a lot better before I left the house. But, more importantly, walking a 5K was much easier this year than it had been in years past without an extra 63 pounds. I still complained the entire way and wasn't sure I would make it, but I did. Woo hoo! Next year, someone suggested that we run. I don't see that happening, but I might walk a little faster. :)

Spanx mishap

Thankfully, this was not MY Spanx mishap. I only wish I was as funny as Melissa McCarthy. She handled this a lot better than I would have!

A sign?

I just learned that Charlie's Steakhouse in Pflugerville is going out of business after 40 years. I have literally been eating there my entire life. Growing up, it was pretty much the only place to eat in our sleepy little town. I have vivid memories of everyone turning to look at you as you entered the dark restaurant. I used to hate that. Later, they added windows and I remember not liking them at first because it changed the ambiance. The bathroom has been the same since they opened - the uneven floor, the retro flower prints on the walls and the icky reusable towel hand dryer thing that goes around and around in a circle and I never understood how it was clean just by rotating it through the wall unit. Many of the waitresses have worked there for 20 or 30 years and know you by name.

I haven't been in awhile, for obvious reasons, but it was one of the last places I ate prior to surgery. Best Chicken Fried Steak ever. I'll also remember the Broiled Catfish platter, the vegetable beef soup that grandpa used to order with mostly juice so he could soak his bread in it, the enchilada plate with extra onions my mom would order, the hamburger steak (omg, yum), and the lunch or dinner specials that came with pudding for dessert. Most of all, I'll remember that they had the best iced tea anywhere, served in the smallest glasses. And the crackers they served with hot sauce. I will be sad when they close their doors...there are a lot of fond memories of eating there with my grandparents and the rest of my family.

I laughed at my first thought: "Geez, I lose 60 pounds and it forces them out of business!" I guess this is just one more sign that I am leaving my old life behind and moving on to a new, healthier one, right?

Just call me Sally O'Malley

"I'm 50! FIVE-OH! And I like to kick, stretch and kick!"

Unlike Sally O'Malley, though, I'm not 50 years old just yet. But I have now officially hit the 50 pounds lost mark since surgery three months ago! And if you count the 9 pounds before surgery that I lost, that's almost 60! Holy cow. I think it hit me today -- I am halfway to my goal of losing at least 100 pounds! That makes me wanna kick, stretch and kick! And I couldn't do all that 50 pounds ago! :)

Size 16 purple dress

So here I am, wearing a size 16 dress at the wedding of my friends Julie & Eric. I still can't believe it was a size 16. We got a full body shot of me, but since I am usually the photographer, I have no clue how to pose myself in pictures. And let's just say it is not flattering. I still have a goofy grin on my face in this one (I also can't smile normally in pics for some reason), I can live with sharing it. :)